By Nicole

Tonight, I am sitting on the bed in my hotel room, staring in the face of a buffalo.  He's on a flat and somewhat shiny canvas.  When I look in those dark, sad buffalo eyes, a familiar ache returns.  An ache I thought would just fade away as the days went by.  But since it hasn't, I'd better get it down. Earlier this week, as we traveled through the north end of Denver in a taxi van, we drove by the homeless mission.  Just before dinner.  Almost dusk.  And the square was full.  This was a sight I think I thought I had seen before, and I was prepared to breath calmly and let us pass by... without giving it a second thought.  Until my coworker gasped.  She'd never seen this before.  Never imagined those who live this way.  My other coworker snorted.... something about this being just like Tampa. I wasn't going to give it a second thought.  We help the homeless and poor on a daily basis. That's my job.  And it jades ...

Here it is.  I've read many Five Minute Friday posts, and always felt like I didn't have the time (5 minutes, I know...).  But today, I'm feeling game.  Like I've already stayed up this late... a few more minutes isn't going to hurt. So, my very first Five Minute Friday entry: Start: 11:26 p.m. I'm tired.  My eyes hurt from crying.  I'm in my sweats on the couch, listening to the humming sound the refrigerator makes.  It's louder when it's silent.  The fish tank tries to be louder, bubbling and clamoring for the attention of my ears.  If I would get up off of this couch and add water, it wouldn't have a chance. Lonely.  Even when I'm surrounded by things I should be busy doing.  Tackling the mountain of laundry. Cleaning up the clutter.  Maybe if I moved around a bit, I wouldn't have time to reflect on the loneliness my heart has felt over the past few days.  There's no real  reason for it.  If we could list t...

Last weekend was a particularly PMS-y weekend for me... and I think the one who ended up the worse for wear at the end of it all was poor Jason.  Not only did I unload a whole bunch of pent-up frustrations, I had a bad attitude and a "woe-is-me" complex to boot.  I still owe him a real apology.  Sometimes us women get away with a lot by blaming it on our hormones.  Every feeling and frustration I was having was very real, but the way I handled it all was pretty crappy (my kids tell me that is a bad word and I shouldn't say it, and they are probably right, but I can't think of a better adjective right now). Anyway, after I unloaded, I felt better. And I might as well just spill it all to you all too.  I had been a bit resentful and grumpy about the impromptu farm that was developing in my back yard and my living room.  The chickens were starting to get big and louder and stinking more quickly.  My morning routine was being mucked up (literally and fig...

Three weeks ago, I read a newspaper article about a family I know.  About a boy that I have visited with and given hugs and yelled at to slow down in the hallways of the church.  About his frustrating condition that I've known about and prayed about for a long time.  I've known about it all, but the article gave me chills.  I immediately felt like I needed to write about Phoenix and try to help "spread the word".  Teresa gave me permission to dedicate a blog post to Phoenix and to link up to their website .  I wanted to link up to the article too, but it isn't online any more.  Their letter explains it all. Right now my Missionette's class is working on the Healing badge.  We are learning how, no matter what our sickness is, God wants us to pray for healing and to have faith and hope that we will be healed (James 5:13-14).  We covered some sensitive issues around why people get sick.  Many people argue that God c...

(photo from Amazon.com) The hook at the beginning of the summary of Kim Meeder's book , Fierce Beauty , was what drew me in when I selected it to review for Multnomah.  "True beauty is not about how you look but how you live."  There were many segments in this book that brought tears to my eyes, if I wasn't already full on crying.  Kim is so honest and open in her writing.  She also has an incredible talent of painting such a vivid picture in her descriptions.  So often I felt like I was right there with her.  Without any pretense or sugar coating, she gets right to the heart of every lesson.  Her illustrations and comparisons are truly inspired by God and cut straight to the quick.  The book is divided into three segments:  The Problem, The King and The Warrior.  Each segment has five or six chapters that provide real life stories and examples that delve deeper into God's purpose for our lives, as women of faith.  This world ...

Uh oh... I am dropping off the face of the blogsphere.  I read a post of mine a few weeks ago about how I hoped that at some point in time there would be a time where there wasn't a lag between posts.  This lag isn't near as bad as the hiatuses I have inadvertently taken before... but that's how it starts.  Anyway, disclaimer done.  This last week we had an emotional and amazing night of Bible study.  I held it in again... only crying a little.  If you know me, you know I am like that.  But, the topic really got me to thinking.  We are doing the Beth Moore David: Seeking a Heart Like His  study, and I am loving it.  (Sadly, I have missed two of the four nights because of travel for work, although I caught up on the videos this weekend.  On a completely shallow note, I love to see what she wears.  I couldn't stop checking out Beth's boots in section 4... still trying to figure who made them...). Okay, back on track again....

I just finished reading Ascent from Darkness   by Michael Leehan.  And, well, to be perfectly honest, I was scared to request this book to review.  I have read every Frank Peretti book at least once, and I absolutely love them... but when the spiritual battle is a real story and is so honest and in your face... it is a lot more sobering.  Michael gives us a clear and honest picture of his life as a satanist and his eventual salvation and transformation through the redemptive blood of Christ.  He is unwaveringly honest and gives enough of a vivid retelling to wake you up to the reality of the spiritual battle waging around us.  His writing is a little choppy, but he states at the beginning that he isn't a writer.  He is blunt and to the point, which is how the story needed to be told. I never felt like he was embellishing or trying to glorify the darkness he was serving at anytime.  I read this book in two sittings (since I was on ...

"Don't hold in your emotions; get them out now.  Or else you'll end up like me, cynical and unpredictable."  This was my advice to my coworker as we traveled out of state for a work conference.  Next to me, our other coworker burst out laughing... only because she knows it's true.  I'm not sure at what point I realized that I might be too cynical... but I can at least explain the unpredictable. About a month and a half ago, my brother and his wife told our family that he was going over to Afghanistan for a year in the middle of October.  When he told me, I was kind of shocked, but otherwise just asked questions about how R was going to handle being a new bride in their apartment all alone for a year.  About three weeks ago, my sister and I brought our kids to stay the weekend with them.  We went shopping and went to the zoo and had pizza and played X-box together.  The kids had a blast, which was what AJ wanted.  As we ...

After reading through As Silver Refined by Kay Arthur, I cannot get that song out of my head... "Refiner's fire... My heart's one desire... Is to be holy... Set apart for you, my Master... Ready to do your will..."  I hummed this all through the beginning of the book as she told a beautiful story of the ancient process of refining silver.  I almost cried as I pictured God peering into my soul... looking for His reflection and most likely not yet finding it. Kay Arthur does a brilliant job of explaining God's true purpose in allowing us to go through struggles and difficult times.  She is fully transparent in sharing her past and ways in which she did and didn't allow God's refining fire to work in her life.  She also has a calm and thorough way of explaining each concept.  I have never understood meekness and how important it is in the life of a Christian until now.  Not only does she provide multiple examples of how Jesus portrayed meekness in His li...

I just finished reading my first full Max Lucado book, It's Not About Me: Rescue From the Life We Thought Would Make Us Happy .  Max Lucado writes in a very easy, conversational manner, with a lot of real life examples.  He uses a simple, genuine humor that keeps heavy topics light enough to sink in.  I haven't finished some of his other books, honestly, because that tone kind of annoyed me.  But I couldn't put this book down.  For some reason (I'm not sure if it was because the book was so applicable to my life at that point or because the author admitted his own struggles with self-centeredness) I was instantly hooked and had to keep reading.  Max Lucado did a splendid job of refocusing everything on God and showing in so many ways the reasons why life can never be about anything else.  His retelling towards the end of the book of the collapse of the Port Isabel Causeway in South Texas had me reliving the entire weekend. I was on South Pa...

I was so excited to get this book in the mail!  Voices of the Faithful: Book 2 is the second series of daily devotions complied by Kim P Davis.  It also includes an introduction written by Beth Moore (love her! ).   The daily devotion consists of a memory verse, a short, real-life story from a missionary and a prayer.  Each section of the day's devotion is clearly divided and in a different font. Each month has a certain theme along which the devotions connect.  January's theme is prayer, February's is love, etc.  The cover and inside art is very elegant.  A friend of mine showed me this book before I even requested it from Booksneeze.  It had been a gift to her from her husband.  Once I saw it, I remembered that it was an available title, and I made up my mind that I had to have a copy. Since I received this in the middle of January, I decided to catch up by reading the first two weeks worth of devotions.  The stories a...

So, I spent a good deal of last night working out why I was so upset and what God is really wanting to do work out in me through Leilee's medical issues, my little sister, the hurting families and the lost loved ones. I didn't really figure anything out and just spent most of today feeling sleep deprived and a little foggy. On my way to work this morning I did hear a great sermon on 88.1. Pastor So-and-So was talking about how we should examine ourselves for something that we see is holding us back. He gave the idea of focusing on one thing we truly feel God would want us to work on - for example, wanting to please people. He said to write down the negative thought on a card and then make a stop sign. On the back, he said to write a verse from the Bible that would help encourage us in changing that specific behavior. For a couple months during my pregnancy with Leilee, I went through some severe anxiety... a couple times I came the closest to a panic attack I think I have eve...

The thing I dread the most is losing one of my children. Just the thought terrifies me. And of course, being a paranoid, crazy mother, just about everything sends my thoughts in that direction. That being said, I then begin to feel guilty about being so terrified of death and dying when I serve a God who is in total control. We can't run from death, we can't avoid the inevitable, and we live in a fallen world where tragedy happens every day. I do my best to comfort myself with the thought that my faith and relationship with God could get me through the worst possible thing. Recently God has been working on me. On my pride, on my procrastination and on my presumption that He doesn't care or need to know about every little thing. Leilee was recently diagnosed with a branchial cleft cyst or fistula, which is, most simply put, a hole in her neck. We are waiting for our appointment at Children's... they can't get us in until December. Instead of falling on my kne...

"And a certain sign of grace is this.... through broken earth, flowers come up, pushing through the dirt." What a foolish notion, grace. Who deserves it? Many feel they don't need it. Only fools understand and accept it. The educated scoff at the idea that men, the most "evolved" species with the highest intelligence would have need of God's love and forgiveness. After all, we are capable of doing good. Those of us who are positive forces in the community, who believe in the inner good of man and the power of being in balance and in tune with nature and ourselves have no need of grace. We are good enough on our own. We don't hurt anyone. We pay taxes. We put a nickel or a dollar in the little red bucket yearly. Some of us volunteer, donate our old clothes and fundraise for orphans. We have no need for unconditional love. We are educated. We majored in humanities. We realize that some choose to do bad things, but it is what we believe that d...

Ahhh, life. Doesn't it move quickly? Who are we to think that we have any control? Why do we try to cram so much in? Wouldn't it make more sense to travel through life one major life event/crisis/phase at a time? Wouldn't it make even more sense to slow down, enjoy what matters and quit letting the stupid stuff stress us out? Just the other night Jason and I had a teary (postpartum - back off) conversation about how quickly our kids are growing up and how at the end of the day, when they are tucked in and drifting off to sleep... it is just that, another day. Another day gone, a day older, a day that we can't make up or redo. What were we like that day? Did we feel like we had been good parents or bad parents? Had we gotten too frustrated or angry over something just plain stupid? How did we make their life better? Or did we make it worse? We have a lot going on and a lot of pressure on both of us to take care of all the junk we think is important. I keep ta...

Before I allow myself to get overly rational or lose the element of newness and awe, I have to document, in black and white, one of the most colorful things that has possibly ever happened to me in my life. Just this past weekend, I went with a group of women from my church to our yearly retreat. (I say that like I am a veteran or a pro, even though this was only my second year.) Like a lot of the women who went (I think) I went to the retreat full of bottled up emotion and stress, hoping that in one fell swoop God would rain down love and relief and wash away all my worries, and that I would emerge from the Silverdale Beach Hotel a newly cleansed, refreshed woman of God, all because I paid my $60.00, endured the back seat of a 15 passenger van and made the effort to attend in the first place. The speaker had wonderful energy. Us women had wonderful fellowship. We laughed, we cried, we stayed up late sharing stories and ate Domino's pizza much too late at night. But at the end ...