By Nicole

So, I spent a good deal of last night working out why I was so upset and what God is really wanting to do work out in me through Leilee's medical issues, my little sister, the hurting families and the lost loved ones. I didn't really figure anything out and just spent most of today feeling sleep deprived and a little foggy. On my way to work this morning I did hear a great sermon on 88.1. Pastor So-and-So was talking about how we should examine ourselves for something that we see is holding us back. He gave the idea of focusing on one thing we truly feel God would want us to work on - for example, wanting to please people. He said to write down the negative thought on a card and then make a stop sign. On the back, he said to write a verse from the Bible that would help encourage us in changing that specific behavior. For a couple months during my pregnancy with Leilee, I went through some severe anxiety... a couple times I came the closest to a panic attack I think I have eve...

The thing I dread the most is losing one of my children. Just the thought terrifies me. And of course, being a paranoid, crazy mother, just about everything sends my thoughts in that direction. That being said, I then begin to feel guilty about being so terrified of death and dying when I serve a God who is in total control. We can't run from death, we can't avoid the inevitable, and we live in a fallen world where tragedy happens every day. I do my best to comfort myself with the thought that my faith and relationship with God could get me through the worst possible thing. Recently God has been working on me. On my pride, on my procrastination and on my presumption that He doesn't care or need to know about every little thing. Leilee was recently diagnosed with a branchial cleft cyst or fistula, which is, most simply put, a hole in her neck. We are waiting for our appointment at Children's... they can't get us in until December. Instead of falling on my kne...

So, it might be of note to admit to everyone that I am from Forks. A town that, until recently, was entirely unknown to everyone but loggers and hippies. A town now made famous by a woman who had never set foot on the Olympic Peninsula, but who wanted to write a book about vampires and werewolves traipsing around the darkest, rainiest and gloomiest corner of the United States.  And now here we are. Twilight is everywhere. Twilight has entirely changed the face of my town. And, I hate to admit it, has kept businesses open and brought a boost to an economy that has long been struggling. Twilight may well be keeping our town alive during this recession. So, I hate to admit it...and I also hate jumping on bandwagons. I resist fads and frenzies and going with the flow. Up until a month ago, I would never have dreamed of actually reading Twilight. I would much rather remain ignorant and decipher what I could from the endless lines of giggling tweens and giddy twenty, thirty and forty-so...

The other day the whole family packed up and headed into Port Angeles and Sequim for a day of crabbing, shrimping and oyster shucking... Jason, brave and awesome dad that he is, held the sole honor of shucking, since I had Leilee in the Napsack and Connor and Grady are much too young to wield oyster shuckers. Jason also had the cool dad idea of packing the kids' bikes in the back of the truck and letting them ride on the pier. We brought helmets because I said it was the law. Now, some of you may think, 'Wow, how adventurous!' It's true, it is adventurous. But we embark on excursions like this all the time. Jason is a brave and bold outdoorsman. He hunts and fishes and scouts and forages all day long. If I didn't know him better and he had a longer beard, I would think he was a mountain man. So, like any good mountain dad, he wants to raise his sons (and daughter) to be mountain children. I'm all for that. Definitely... besides my uncontrollable urges...

"And a certain sign of grace is this.... through broken earth, flowers come up, pushing through the dirt." What a foolish notion, grace. Who deserves it? Many feel they don't need it. Only fools understand and accept it. The educated scoff at the idea that men, the most "evolved" species with the highest intelligence would have need of God's love and forgiveness. After all, we are capable of doing good. Those of us who are positive forces in the community, who believe in the inner good of man and the power of being in balance and in tune with nature and ourselves have no need of grace. We are good enough on our own. We don't hurt anyone. We pay taxes. We put a nickel or a dollar in the little red bucket yearly. Some of us volunteer, donate our old clothes and fundraise for orphans. We have no need for unconditional love. We are educated. We majored in humanities. We realize that some choose to do bad things, but it is what we believe that d...

Ahhh, life. Doesn't it move quickly? Who are we to think that we have any control? Why do we try to cram so much in? Wouldn't it make more sense to travel through life one major life event/crisis/phase at a time? Wouldn't it make even more sense to slow down, enjoy what matters and quit letting the stupid stuff stress us out? Just the other night Jason and I had a teary (postpartum - back off) conversation about how quickly our kids are growing up and how at the end of the day, when they are tucked in and drifting off to sleep... it is just that, another day. Another day gone, a day older, a day that we can't make up or redo. What were we like that day? Did we feel like we had been good parents or bad parents? Had we gotten too frustrated or angry over something just plain stupid? How did we make their life better? Or did we make it worse? We have a lot going on and a lot of pressure on both of us to take care of all the junk we think is important. I keep ta...

So, about two and a half years ago, a dear friend of mine, who also happens to be a financial guru in my opinion, got me onto the envelope budget and accompanying debt repayment calculation Excel spreadsheet. Jason and I had been essentially living from paycheck to paycheck with good intentions of getting everything paid off, but we still spent every two weeks looking at each other and wondering where all our "extra" money went. Yeah - he would work his butt off doing all the overtime possible... just to hear me say that we didn't have any money. Somehow we were throwing it all away... We jumped into a new life of budgeting... every pay period I would faithfully enter in our payments, check credit card balances, and fill our hand labeled envelopes with the cash we were allowed to spend on groceries and miscellaneous. Let me tell you - the envelopes didn't have to be very big. We faithfully put money into savings every paycheck. I even began to tithe like I was suppose...