Thursday, August 8, 2013

That Feeling

There's that feeling again.  The one where fear dances around the edge of my collarbone.  Where I find myself taking deep breaths and listening to my heart race erratically.  Where tears threaten to slip out and my eyes burn as I hold them in.

I should not be stressed.  I'm a runner.  But I'm not getting in all my runs.

I shouldn't feel so gross.  I eat healthy foods!  But lately, I'm sneaking sugary snacks for comfort.

I shouldn't be afraid.  I'm a Christian.  Lately I've fallen too far away from God's presence.

That's what happens when I start counting on myself.  Trying to solve problems my way.  Falling into the trap of playing out scenarios in my mind.  Before I know it, my heart is racing again and the tension has spread out through my shoulders.  Carrying this heavy load is hard, and it is wearing me down.

Instead of sticking with a routine I had started of getting up early to read my Bible, I started staying up late, worrying about things that have been going on and then sleeping in.  It's the no sleep, too much caffeine, can't fall to sleep cycle that I love to hate.

Why can't I just have all the answers?  Why do I feel like I'm screaming into the wind, plugging holes with straw?  Why do I just want to curl up in a ball and cry?

I could blame it on the way I have been treated in certain places lately.  It would be easy to point fingers and hold grudges.  But that's not what God wants me to do right now.

When I get this feeling, He wants me to run back to Him.  He longs to be my place of refuge, the strong tower I cling to when I feel helpless and afraid.  I love the verses in Psalms that speak of David's longing for God and hold reassurance that God hears us and will preserve us as His forever.  I'm reading Psalms 61 and feeling renewed.

Kari Jobe's song "Steady My Heart" is playing, and the knowledge that God is holding me safe is His hands makes my heart swell with joy.  When I feel like things are falling apart around me, and I can't even begin to put pieces back together, it won't get better until I return to my Maker and allow Him to restore me.  He's got this one.  Every time.

It's not about how much money we make, how good our friends are, how happy our marriage is, how much we love our kids.  Status, riches, fame, smarts, talent... it doesn't matter.  We all feel lost and broken. Because we are.

We all are.  

The images we portray.  The lies we tell ourselves.  The other ways we comfort ourselves.  They fall short.  They fail.  They cause more hurts.

Only God can take this feeling of brokenness.  He has felt our pain.  He is the Healer of our hearts.

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