It's Not About Me

Here I am...  a hot mess.  Sitting on my couch, drinking Shocktop and eating chocolate chips.  I want to cry and scream and vent and hide and sleep for days.  Although, in the grand scheme of things (I use that reference a lot, I think), there really isn't anything that bad going on.  Work is more stressful and hurtful than usual.  I'm climbing out of a post-marathon running slump.  Recent decisions in our country have my head spinning, even though I usually don't keep up on politics and court matters.  My check engine light is on.  We are in the middle of logging part of our property.  My husband's grandpa has been sick, which has us worried and distracted.  I'm spending a lot of time worrying about how it all affects me... and my kids... and my marriage.

I'm questioning a lot of things. Hating that I'm feeling like I'm bobbing aimlessly.  I slack on a lot of things.  I procrastinate.  But I'm not a quitter.  And I won't quit. My job, my family, my garden, my ducks, even my housework (the little I do).... it all just has to keep getting done.  To keep my life ticking and going the direction I want it to go.

On the way to work yesterday, the radio deejay brought up a quote from Rick Warren's book The Purpose Driven Life.

"In what way can I see myself passionately serving others and loving it?"  

Jason and I had a dream job talk last night.  My ultimate dream job is sleeping in everyday and then getting up and drinking a lot of coffee.  Apparently that's not a real job, and it's also completely selfish.  

My second dream job is also selfish... to make cakes and jewelry and be artsy-fartsy all the time.  

In reality, I know that the way I serve is to help others who need help.  I'm a social worker/counselor at heart.  But it is a job that sucks the life out of you... even when you are fully supported by your coworkers and supervisors.  Add discord and dissension.  Bam!  Timebomb.

At least until I stop making it all about me.  

So, I happen to have a copy of Rick's book.  Back a long time ago, when Connor was a baby, and I was attending church alone, our pastor at the time had tasked the whole church with committing to the 40 days of a purpose-driven life.  We had set up home groups, gotten pieces of the key chain, and started moving through the journey together as a church.  

I didn't ever finish and then I put the book on the shelf.  

Today, I got it out and dusted (yes, that's a chore I am behind on  never do) it off.  I found the question from above at the end of day 30.  I don't fully know the answer.  I'm almost 33, and I'm scared to admit that I don't know for sure.  I'm even more scared to admit that I'm allowing my passion for what I do now to be smothered by the selfish, self-serving decisions of others.  

But, it's not about me.  

That's day one.  

Back then I felt like this book was kind of fluffy.  Cop-out Christianity, for lack of a better term.  Back then, I felt like we spent a lot of time acting like the choir and never being challenged.  I thought it was another Christian self-help book.  I was cynical about it all and scared to leap into my faith.... especially when I didn't know quite how Jason would react.  So I held back... but I held onto the book.  Through two moves.

And God has once again reminded me that I had it.  I ignored it yesterday... so a post I read today on Facebook quoted... 

"Remember how far you've come, not just how far you have to go.  
You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be." - Rick Warren

I'm not where I used to be.  Am I where God wants me to be?  And since it's not about me, I am going to let it be about Him.  

No... I am not committing to the cyber world that I am going to start a new 40 days of purpose.  I know myself better than that.

But I am committing to quit making it about me.  One day at a time.

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