Thursday, January 26, 2012

Oh Jillian

That really hurts.  And that too.  Every move I make, every breath I take.  Curses on your shredding tactics.  No wonder I never last more than a week or two.  Will I ever see the end result of a full 30 days?

After I do a Jillian Michaels workout, I always feel a lot better about myself.  I stand a little taller.  I wear a tank top to show off my biceps, and I want to drink a protein shake.  And I usually do drink a protein shake.  One with a banana added.  For the potassium.  The blessed potassium that will soothe and reassure my cramping, screaming muscles.  I almost want to rub banana on my hip flexors sometimes, even though I know banana paste is not effective.  So I opt for IcyHot, the rub of champions.  And I snuggle up to Jason, smelling like menthol and methyl salicylate.

For two or three days I limp around.  I sometimes make noises of pain so that people know I am working out again.  Or I just whine about it a lot.  After my muscles regain full range of motion and have gotten off their Charley horse, I begin to think about another date with Jillian.  I know just running isn't going to give me the ripped abs I have always dreamed about.  I also know that I will probably never have ripped abs ever.  My combination of genetics, lack of willpower love of chocolate, and intermittent laziness will never get me there.  Jillian has a lot of cheesy lines that she says during every workout, and they sometimes annoy me.  But when I hear her voice in my mind saying, "I get results", I start to dream. It's a little dream, but it's mine. 

And I also kind of want to stick my tongue out at the super skinny, toned girl in the back doing the "easy" version.  She has awesome genes and cannot possibly have ever had children, not even one.  But I jump and grunt and kick around anyways, always a step behind, my chubby, post-partum (times three, I remind myself) belly keeping its own separate rhythm.  While this entirely entertaining show is going on, I catch a glimpse of myself in the window and I am immediately thankful that

a) we do not have neighbors who can see in our windows
b) I am not in a god-awful aerobics class where I am tripping on the step and being frowned at by the       instructor (yes, I have had my step taken away before), and
c) there are lots of bananas in the kitchen. 


  1. I finished an Insanity workout yesterday and immediately thought "man, I deserve chocolate for that one." hahaha!

  2. Haven't tried the JM shred yet but I've heard grat things, I'm gunna try cross fit first well see how that goes. Good job though

  3. "But I jump and grunt and kick around anyways, always a step behind, my chubby, post-partum ... belly keeping its own separate rhythm." This is a fantastic description. Also makes me nervous that you may have seen me exercising through my wide open picture window. YOU GO!

  4. I am only vaguely familiar with Jillian Michaels (and it shows, believe me), but one of my cousins may have called her the B-word in a Facebook status a few weeks ago, after Day One. She also said, "Bring it! And I'll see you tomorrow, Jillian!" This post has got me wondering how that cousin is faring, since Jillian's name has not been mentioned again. ;)